A Christmas Tale

In keeping with the holiday spirit, we'll take a brief detour with a little Christmas poem from a few years ago. Merry Christmas!

A Christmas Tale

by Rick Huffman

On one foggy Christmas Eve

T’was just last year, I do believe

Santa Claus was growing quite annoyed.

For on his most important day

He faced a possible delay

Because of suff’ring with a hemorrhoid.

The elves were pacing with concern

And Mrs. Claus could not discern

Just how the big guy planned to fly away.

He’d tried ‘most every hemorroid cream

But all of them invoked a scream

This “roid” was surely on his butt to stay!

To add to Santa’s aggravation

This loathsome little inflammation

Had given him a bellyful of gas.

So every time he’d pace the floor

He’d cut a fart that shook the door

And rattled all the windowsills and glass.

  

The odor melted candy canes

And drove an elf or two insane

This flatulence could wilt a Christmas tree!

Mrs. Claus broke down and cried

And I’m told a reindeer damn-near died

This hemorrhoid was quite a tragedy.

So Santa went outside and wept

With little farts between each step

And then, perhaps, began the biggest folly

The northern wind began to shift

And Rudolph got a hearty whiff

Of an odor that was anything but jolly!

The red-nosed reindeer tumbled down

And as his antlers hit the ground

His bright red nose just crackled and went dim.

Then Rudolph’s nose fell off and spun

As Santa ripped another one

This joyous day was turning ghastly grim.

Thank goodness, Rudolph was okay

But now comes news that’s hard to say

Rudolph couldn’t get his nose back on!

He tried duct tape and Super Glue

He even tried a tack or two

It seemed that Rudolph’s bright red nose was gone.

Oh, how could Santa get the toys

To all the little girls and boys

Without a guiding light to forge the way?

Christmas might be null and void

Because of Santa’s hemorrhoid

This was the North Pole’s grimmest, darkest day.

The Elves all got hysterical

Until a Christmas miracle

Was witnessed by an elf named Vern, by chance.

The little elf saw something glowing

Indeed, it seemed that it was growing

And it’s brightness was contained in Santa’s pants!

  

The hemorrhoid that vexed him so

Had now begun to blink and glow

And Santa aptly smiled and then advanced,

“By George, we’ll have a Christmas Day!

My Yuletide “roid” will light the way!

But first, I’d better go and check my pants.”

So Santa jumped into his sleigh

And dropped his trousers all the way

Then pointed his fat rear erect and high.

And on this special Christmas Eve

There were not many who’d believe

That two full moons hung high within the sky!

The Yuletide “roid” performed just great

Serving aptly to illuminate

As Santa’s cheeks were flapping wide and free.

St. Nick issued a “Ho, ho, ho!”

As his bum lit up the snow

A hemorrhoid for all humanity!

Now, I hope I haven’t gone too far

For I know this story is bizarre

But the truth is something we should not avoid.

The Christmas sleigh got underway

And boys and girls saw Christmas Day

Because of Santa’s glowing hemorrhoid!

LATE BREAKING UPDATE:

I am happy to report that Rudolph’s nose was successfully re-attached by one of the world’s foremost reindeer surgeons. Thanks to his expertise in Rein-oplasty, the nose is, once again, fully functional.

Santa’s hemorrhoid is reputed to have frozen and fallen off somewhere over Washington D.C., where it is said to have thawed out and reproduced many times over.